How to Start Surviving a Breakup

Sometimes surviving a breakup can be excruciating.  Love has been compared to fiery coals and a dagger to one’s heart.  When we love someone and lose someone, our first reaction is usually not one of anger or indifference.  Rather, it is one of injury.  We feel hurt at our heart.  Perhaps you know this feeling well.  Surviving a breakup isn't easy.

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There are some people that give so much in their relationships.  They may invest their time, money and personal feelings, perhaps even more than their partner.  Don’t they deserve better?  Don’t you deserve better?  Yes, you do and that is why it is a good thing that the relationship is ending.  It is not practical to be in a relationship that is full of dysfunction and pain. Realize this when learning to survive a breakup. Would you honestly want someone to live with you if your presence bothered them to the point of tears?  At some point, though it would hurt tremendously, wouldn’t you tell that person that they are free to leave? 

In essence, that’s what you have to keep in mind when surviving a breakup.  Both partners want to be happy.  A relationship should be a very stable union of committed friends.  Love should be a calming, comforting feeling.  If one partner doesn’t feel that comfort, then the relationship is ultimately incompatible.  It would be in the interest of both partners to end the relationship and decide what is really needed to be happy. This is a comforting thought when surviving a breakup.

Adjusting Your Attitude

Surviving a breakup will require that you adjust your attitude and take a more positive view towards the past and your future.  Do not view the failed relationship as a mistake or as a personal shortcoming.  You do not even have to view your ex-partner as the Devil in Disguise.  Unfortunately, this is the view some take, as a sort of coping mechanism when surviving a breakup.  It’s easier to blame someone for the end of the relationship, whether you turn against your ex or against yourself.  A more productive attitude is to accept the fact that your relationship ended, and with no other reason except that the two of you were incompatible.

Remember to look at the positives when surviving a breakup.  You met another interesting person and enjoyed many happy memories together.  While you do regret the relationship ending, you don’t regret giving it a try.  You have also benefited from learning experience.  Perhaps now you have learned more about yourself and about the kind of partner you would be happy with.  This brings truth to surviving a breakup.

For example you could say I want a “John” but without the hot temper, or a “Kathy but without the cold shoulder".  Of course, you don’t want to live in the past or bring up old baggage in your new relationships.  You simply use your past relationships as an educational tool in understanding what makes you happy.  In your next relationship, you will be a better person, having learned from your mistakes and the mistakes of your ex-partner.  Maybe the next relationship will be the one that lasts forever. Who is to say it will not be with your ex lover, but a changed person? Do you see what this means?

Surviving a Breakup by Making Practical Changes

Now that you have re-adjusted your attitude it’s time to make practical changes in your life to allow for surviving a breakup.  Do not dwell on the so called sins of your ex-lover.  Don’t waste time thinking about him or her and how they were cruel or insensitive. Do not waste your energy like that when coping with surviving a breakup. Whether or not they were and your feelings are justified, it will be of no use to you.  Instead, downplay the importance of your ex-lover’s role in your happiness.   You do not need them to be happy.  That man or woman was not the only person you will ever love.  Like Gloria Gaynor once said, “I’ve got all my life to life, I’ve got all my love to give—I will survive!”

Instead of jumping into a new relationship right away, try working on yourself for a little while.  If you believe you have serious flaws (perhaps issues raised in the previous relationship) then devote some time to understanding them and seeking ways to change. This wil keep you occupied and productive while surviving  breakup. You will be working on yourself.  Next, keep yourself busy in other productive activity.  Gradually, you will open your heart to new opportunities.  Once you start to live happily, and are truly “over” someone who was once such an obsessive thought in your heart, you will then understand why a feeling of peace is so much more satisfying than one of revenge.

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